when you cry at physical therapy

God has done so much.

He has been working on my heart while He has been working on my back.

I have been going to physical therapy for almost five months now and have seen an incredible, no.. a MIRACULOUS difference in my back. The pain has almost completely subsided. I’m not constantly being reminded by a sharp pain in my back that I’m not normal. At 24 you should be in the best shape of your life right? It’s beyond frustrating for ANYBODY to be in pain, but to slap on the fact that I shouldn't be experiencing this at this young of an age is surely discouraging…

until the point that I don’t allow the pain to be discouraging. When I choose to make my back issues a positive and give them to God the enemy has no power over me.

I have been beyond blessed to 1) be able to go to physical therapy (I have my parents to thank for that) and 2) to have worked with the people at North Texas Rehab.

Typically people are paired with a single therapist that tracks their progress and works with them, but I was blessed with TWO. Drew and David have been putting their most into my therapy. Not only have they done an incredible job with guiding me through workouts, studied my case, and constantly assessed and reassessed the best route toward healing, they have also been a huge source of encouragement and reassurance to me.

I leave for Spain in two weeks and nerves have been starting to creep in. I’ve become so dependent on their guidance through my workouts and although I’ve gotten so much better, I’m not 100%. So how do I know I won’t go back to where I was? This is what the enemy has planted in my mind more recently.

Today, David and I went to a side room where it was quiet and nobody else was exercising. As my time at North Texas Rehab (and Texas itself) is coming to a close he asked where I was with everything.

“Well my pain is next to nothing and the typical discomfort after driving has decreased an immeasurable amount.”
“When do you leave?”
“In two weeks.” My throat started closing and tears started to fill my eyes.

I shared with him how I’m fearful of not being able to continue gaining strength and do exercises on my own. I know this to be false after a canceled flight of a friend I was picking up led to a morning boot camp workout with my aunt. Everything in the workout was something I was scared to try on my own, but as the workout continued I was aware of my posture and my muscles that I normally activate at the wrong time. I made it through the workout, a normal, feel-the-burn workout with no pain and a realization that I know my body better than I thought. Yet, this fear was still creeping in.

As I shared about my fear of failure and pain coming back, David looked at me with his kind eyes and reassured me that I would be able to do this. I pulled it together and we worked on a routine that I will be doing daily. We went through each one, talking about specifics of positioning and form. Each one has a beginner level (where I am now) and ways to advance them once I do get stronger (because I will).

David and I have talked about our faith with each other starting from our first session and on through every time we have worked together.

Today was special though. I felt the presence of God in our words.

After the workout had ended he asked what he could be praying about for me. It was easy for me to answer. “That I would have an open mind and heart to what God wants to speak to me about in Spain.”

I explained how in the weirdest way, I’m actually thankful for this pain and all of the ways it has caused me to trust God in much deeper ways than I ever had before, because if we’re being honest, my life hasn’t been difficult. I have been blessed beyond measure in so many ways.

I recognized that my tears at the beginning of the session weren’t coming just from fear, they also came from frustration. During my time on the Race, I became aware of how much fear had a hold on me. Fear of failure. Fear of man. Fear is crippling and it is not of God. I told David that now I’m aware of fear and what that feeling is when it sneaks in, I know to combat it with trusting God. It is frustrating that I have fear of leaving therapy because I KNOW that God has me. I have been at therapy the perfect amount of time and have been equipped with the knowledge I need to succeed without a couple of weekly visits to therapy.

David lightly pinched my skin and said, “Do you see what you’re made of? This is what you’ll face your whole life and when you’re sixty, which will come sooner than you think, you’ll have sixty years to look back and see what God was doing. I’ll share a word picture with you.”

Now, I have to mention that David is the king of word pictures. He has a way of explaining things so that it is easy to understand what your body is doing and how your body works. I’m all about visions and metaphors that allow me to relate His love for me and David most definitely possesses the gift to relay these messages from God to people.

“When I get to heaven, Jesus will lead me into a room with a huge tapestry. He’ll point and say ‘do you see that thread? That’s your life. Remember when you were struggling with this, well that was that curve in the direction your thread was going. Look at all of the curves and turns I had you go on and all of the other threads you touched because of it. Look how I used you to help complete this beautiful picture.’”

At this point I’m crying for the second time in the session, but instead of tears stemming from fear, they were tears springing from joy. Tears that came from a place of complete peace and joy because I know that I know that I know God is using me in ways that I can’t imagine. He is using me to complete a tapestry of His perfect plan that will accomplish bringing His Kingdom to earth.

What an HONOR to be used for this greater purpose.

Some days His love is quiet, some days His love comes from your physical therapist, but it is always present, always abundant, and always perfect.